The Case of the Ex

“You still talk to him???” Him being THE ex. The one with whom I thought I’d live out my happily ever after. He drops by for lunch every now and then too. My gal pals and woman kin always express shock, and in a few instances, mild horror, that the ex and I are in touch.

The evolution of our relationship has been questioned as follows:

He’s in love with you, right?

Are you holding out for a reconciliation??

Do you sleep together?

I’m happy to report that the answer to all of the above is a resounding NO!

Why is it so impossible to conceive that the ex and I are friends and nothing more? I’m thinking about it…

Maybe the secret to our post-love-of-my-life success lies in those very questions. We left our intimate past where it belongs. In the past. With the rest of the hurt, anger, and confusion. We do not reminisce about our physical relationship. We do not dwell on that time we were in love. We hashed out the many reasons why we didn’t work out when we were going through the breakup. On that score, there’s nothing left to talk about.

I guess it helped that other people weren’t involved in the collapse of our relationship. That’s a whole other level of messy that can be a tad harder to work through. We were just two people who had got to a point from which we could go no further. It was over.

Sex with friends is tricky business. Sex with exes even more so. I haven’t met a person yet who didn’t regret the latter. I’m not about to add my name to that list. My life is complex enough. I won’t ever be that horny.

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Us, chillin’. [Image via Zedge]

Settling into our friendship wasn’t all unicorns and rainbows, and it wasn’t immediate. I was really angry and I needed time to heal, to forgive him, and to forgive myself. I had no intention of ever speaking to him again, but a chance meeting in one of the last places I’d expect to see him, reconnected us. And I’m glad it happened. He is one of only a handful of people who I would ever reach out to when I need help.

It’s still not all unicorns and rainbows though. From time to time, we get on each other’s nerves and tell each other off. The beauty of it is that he knows me and I know him and we get past it. Neither of us holds a grudge and maybe that too is why we’ve been able to make it as friends.

We have our inside jokes that nobody would understand, like the “Who am I? A mere turtle of reason…” thing. He still bores me with stuff I used to beg him to shut up about when I was trying to sleep. I still bore him with stuff like this blog (I wonder if he’ll actually click the link this time?).

We can debate almost any topic at length. However, our crushes/booty calls/significant others are never on the agenda. Of course, we talk about the dating scene and relationships in very broad terms but we do not get specific about our romantic attachments. His private affairs are his, and he respects mine in the same way.

When we hang out in my room, the mood is very different from the old days of burnin’ love. I sometimes find myself staring at him, trying to remember being in love with him, but the cells of my body and brain no longer make the connection. Perhaps, this is another reason why we can be friends. We’ve both forgotten what it was like to be in love with each other.

So, yes, people, it is possible for me to be in a platonic relationship with my ex. He’s a great guy and I wish him all of the Love, Joy, and Peace in the world.

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12 Comments

  1. 20th June 2017 / 1:52 pm

    Hmmm, I have a number of exes who being squished by a ten-ton truck would be too good for them but maybe that says something about my previous choice in men

    • 20th June 2017 / 2:57 pm

      LOL LOL LOL! I think we all have a type till we sift through the madness and vow to stop making the same mistakes over and over.

    • 18th May 2017 / 5:52 pm

      Thanks so much! 🙂

  2. 18th May 2017 / 12:09 pm

    You hit on a really important factor here, and one that’s missing for a lot of people: you can be friends if you’re not still angry. A lot of people rush through the breakup (understandably! It’s painful! Pain is to be avoided!) and, as a consequence, if/when they bump into their ex again, the natural course of any conversation is a rehashing the breakup.

    Shortcuts are great for getting you to work on time, not so good for evolving a relationship.

    • 18th May 2017 / 5:54 pm

      Yes, you’ve got to get past what was negative about the relationship. Of course, not all romantic attachments can evolve into easy friendships, but that’s a whole other blog post. Thanks for reading and for your wonderful comment.

  3. 22nd November 2016 / 2:22 pm

    Wow! amazing read! for a moment there I thought about my ex, and I was like, we are no there yet (sipping mint tea, on top of books 🙂 ) I love love the post. I hope to soon get to that place where you are , and tell you all about it too 🙂

    • Melissa
      22nd November 2016 / 2:26 pm

      Please tell me if you two ever get to this stage. I’m starting to think we’re the only two people who are like this post-romantic involvement. I’ll share that cup of mint tea with you while you tell me the story (I’m so addicted to mint tea I had to stop myself for a bit).

  4. Candy
    3rd June 2016 / 8:43 pm

    Hey loving your blog. Thanks for sharing.I remember a time an ex of mine, Bf at the time, was still friends With an ex and it wasn’t sitting well with me. When I told you about it you said your bf tried that one with you in the earlies and asked if you wanted to meet his ex and You were like…”wtf Would we talk about… Compare sex notes? I cut that shit out early” I laughed so hard… But I can see it now… After so many years there is nothing there. We have so.much crazystories you can ad to this blog. Love it

    • Melissa
      3rd June 2016 / 11:50 pm

      Thanks for the love, Candy. You remembered that story?! LOL. If my ex-turned-pal had a gf who wasn’t comfortable with our friendship, I’d disappear. Our romantic relationship has been over for a million years…timing is important too.

  5. 2nd June 2016 / 5:58 pm

    Melissa, I really enjoyed reading this post. The post-sexual male-female relationship turns platonic is one heavily debated topic.

    • Melissa
      2nd June 2016 / 6:26 pm

      Thanks, Krissy! Appreciated. Every failed romance turned friendship is unique, and from talking to others as well, there’s no precise formula for why some work. Actually, I hear more about why former lovers/partners/spouses CAN’T be friends after…

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